"Words Words Words" (2010)

Words, Words, Words Lyrics – Bo Burnham

i'm a feminine eminem, a slim shady lady
but nice cause i texted haiti
90 lady cops on the road and i'm arrested for doing 80.
like hamlet, all about "words, words, words"
divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds.
i'm a gay sea otter.
i blow other dudes out of the water.
i'm the man muffin, divin', muffin,
cold and fly like an arctic puffin,
puffin whacky tobaccy
hatin other rappers like i'm Helga Pataki
and i've been rockin this mic before electricity
way back in 1000 BCE - thats before the common era.
i can't be stopped, flow so sick that it should be mopped up
chick's got a dixie cup, i gotta dick full of helium, i'll fuck you up.
a boy, a girl, a middle aged bitch, botox in the third person.
i give the perspective a switch and bo talks in the third person.
just relax, if you wanna know me, here's two facts

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

met a girl named Macy had sex with her all day,
but she was dyslexic, so i ended up doin the YMCA
we ballin, asian, wii bowlin, prostate cancer semi-colon,
find that hole like i'm Stephen Hawking,
Atticus Finch, killing, mocking.
cry like a child would, you raped my childhood
just stroll in, roll in your pole into Rolie Polie Olie's colon.
to relax my mind i take a walk by the clock and i pass the time and
rhymin, mathematic timin, syntax impacts the intact hymen.
i'm an internet provider, came from the web like a horny spider,
fucked a girl in an apple orchard, then came in cider (inside her)
i thought AIDS was a butt virus like conjunction junction conjunctivitis
i spit gold bars cause i was molested by my uncle midas
gay dads blow pops, another sucker,
oedipus was the first motherfucker.

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

we the people of the USA
jose, we're not talkin to you, esse.
we got a border in order to keep you out,
it's what my NYU essay's about
cause we're, xenophobic warrior princess,
molested by my uncle sam, is that incest?
"I WANT YOU" to smell my finger
does my nephew's scent still linger?
south of queers, north of hell,
the queer ones suck and the brown one's smell
we guard the border and we guard it well
but some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell
did i say liberty? i meant taco, paco, hey you better let that rock go
cause in real life goliath wins
and then sells all the silk that the widow spins.

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

bitches and hoes, bo's hoes, oh, bitches and hoes, bitches, hoes.
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist,
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist
so take off your bras and burn em or you can let me burn em
take off your bras and burn em, or you can let bo burnham burn em.

Oh Bo Lyrics – Bo Burnham

(I feel like hip-hop used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know
And now it's become, at least in the mainstream, a symbol of
Misogyny
Gay panic
Fiscal irresponsibility
So I figure
If you can't beat 'em
Join 'em)

Hittin' the club a VIP
I got a fake mustache and a fake ID
I look like Woolly Willy with a really woolly willy, and I
Bypass the bouncer
Pass by an ex and I flex and bounce her, wows her
Look at all of Bo's hos
Lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose, and I
Spot a little latina
Booty so big call it Oprah's Ego
We go do it, through it
She says, "Dios mia, mi amigo"
Pull it out, stick in your mouth
And I bust it in the back of ya
Swallow, bitch
There's people starving in Africa

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd make the fellas say

You're an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top
And careful, Cherry, 'cause I'm the king of pop
Pop, pop, pop goes my weasel
Now you look like Jackson Pollock's easel
My suggestion is
You don't blow it until you know what congestion is
Swallow when you know what digestion is
Follow Bo, the only question is
Have you been splattered before
By the Mad Hatter matador?
Cake batter, never more
It don't matter whether you're
Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian
I'll slime you so hard you could be on Nickelodeon

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd make the fellas say
"Oh Bo!"
Oh Bo
Oh Bo, Bo
Oh, oh Bo
Oh Bo
Oh Bo

You think that you can handle me, girl, don't make me laugh
I said my junk is bipolar, it'll split you in half, yeah
And if you're lucky, I might just bring you home
And I'll have you going down like you're growing an extra chromosome
And when you grab me, don't grab me by my buns
'Cause I got a bad case of the ru-runs
I got the runs
I got the runs

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd think the fellas say
"Oh Bo!"

(I wanna break it down for y'all
I came from the streets with nothing
Now I'm making hit records
For my people still living in the streets, still living in poverty, I want to tell you I'm doing this for you
My success is your success
And I know you may be thinking, "Hey, if you really believe that
Why don't you use some of your money to help rebuild the neighborhood instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jet ski?"
And to that I say...
Uh... chorus is coming up)

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd think the fellas say

Uh, uh
You gotta fume like a tuna
I'll smell you later
I met a fat chick
And I fucked her in an elevator
It was wrong on so many levels
It was wrong on so many le-le-le-levels
It was wrong on so many levels, uh
It was wrong on
It was wrong on
It was wrong on

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd think the fellas say
Oh!
Single every single
Do it every single
Pop that single like a Pringle jingle
Oh Bo!
This song's almost completed
All this little ditty needed
Instrument that's double reeded
The oboe!

Yeah
Oh Bo, play that oboe

What's Funny Lyrics – Bo Burnham

(My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish
Uh, she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time)

My show is a little bit silly, and a
Little bit pretentious, so like
Shakespeare's willy or
Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on

It's also a little bit gay, and a
Little bit offensive, like
Thanksgiving Day or
Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on

So put your cellphones to vibrate
And put your vibrators to cellphone mode

Welcome to the show, it goes a little bit like this
Joke... exactly
Fucking up my flow, it flows a little bit like this
With a rap and a diss then a
Swift rap in the wrist, a rap in a kiss
Like Hershey's wrappin' a Kiss, shit
I got a show that'll test you kids
And it asks one question and the question is
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, fu-funny
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny
Oh yeah

Humor is often linked to shared experience
Like a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed that public restrooms have really inefficient hand dryers?"
"Oh my god, yes I have
Ha ha ha ha, really good point
They should fix that
It's good to know that somebody finally gets me
'Cause my wife divorced me
Which has consciously forced me to lose all sense of self
So it's nice to think about hand dryers
And not that cheating whore"
Because stand-up comedy is actually pretty easy
If you're an Asian comic, just get up and say, "My mother's got the weirdest fucking accent"
Then just do a Chinese accent
'Cause everybody laughs at the Chinese accent
Because they privately thought that your people were laughable and now you've given them the chance to express that in public
Ah yeah, if you're a musical comic
Just give them a little weird voice infliction
Then take a Viagra
And slap them with a rock-hard misdirection
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, fu-funny
...Tourettes!
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny
Oh, and the audience says

When I was a baby, maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys
Now I'm older and bolder and just get mad because I notice that the keys are to a Hummer
Fuck my life, I don't fuck my wife
So fuck my wife, and fuck my life
And my son is gay, but not sitcom gay
Daughter's a whore, like another girl that used to be her mother
But the marriage made her Miss Mary Americana
I want a teen, but that's screaming prima donna
But the radical feminists made my wife a man
Oh, and if I die happy
The situation
Will be auto-erotic
Asphyxiation
I hate my life and it hates me back
And my friend is black
But I don't know what to call him
So I just call him
"What up, Jamal?"
Even though his name is Steve
I hate my job, I hate my life
I hate my kids, I hate my wife
Jews would know I do it
Judas beat me to it
I'm slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma
And I masturbate because I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me!

What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, fu-funny
(Pop) It's a boy
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, yeah
Hopefully this
(Fart)

Ex-Girlfriend / Racial Humor Lyrics – Bo Burnham

When I say "Hey!", you say "Ho!"
Hey! (Ho!)
Hey! (Ho!)
That's basically how Hitler rose to power

My ex-girlfriend, she was a bitch, but you know, they say, like, if you want to know what a girl's gonna look like, look at her mother
You know, so I am so glad I broke up with her
'Cause she would've been, you know... dead

Guys, I'm a realist
Okay? I try not to romanticize reality
You know, like when life gives you lemons
You probably just found lemons

But at the same time, I don't deny the beauty in the world
'Cause there is so much beauty because life can be so symmetrical that gives birth to this almost silent poetry
You know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar
Or a young Amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs on his birthday cake
Or, or a girl who's terrible at grammar saying, "Mama, you raise me good," and then being pushed down a well

If I had a dime, oh!
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change
I'd still say no

Here's some racial humor for you guys
White people are like this, "Ah"
Black people are like this, "Uh"
We're destined to fight forever
Blood in the streets

Yo momma's so fat
Yo momma's so ugly
Yo momma's so stupid
Your mother's breasts sag with such severity that the late, great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks

Men & Women Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Men are like vows
Because they're easily broken
Women are like cows
Because they both have vaginas
I said, men are like muzzles
Because they'll try to shut you up
No, no, no don't listen, hey
Women are like puzzles
Because prior to 1920, neither had the right to vote
Puzzles still don't

A man is an eagle, a woman is a dove
Women can fake orgasm, but men can fake love

Women are like fingers and toes
Because they're easy to count on
Men are like ravens and crows
Cause they hate using condoms
Women are like Yahtzees, oh yeah
Cause I rarely get them
Yeah, men are like Nazis
Because they both caused the Holocaust

Oh, for every dollar man makes, a woman makes 70 cents
That doesn't make sense, that's not fair, the man's only left with 30

Men and women
Oh, men and women
Is black and white with an area of gray for hermaphrodite

Oh, big finish yeah
Male strippers always look like they're applying lotion
Female strippers when they're dancing on the pole
Just look like....confused firemen

One Man Shows Lyrics – Bo Burnham

I'm 19 years old, I'm a young comedian
I hate that term, "young comedian", you know
I prefer "prodigy"
And people, they pigeonhole me as a comic
You know, which is so disingenuous 'cause I'm not a comic, I'm an artist
And I don't do comedy shows, I do one man shows
And I've been doing them, uh
1998 was actually my first one man show
It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany called Under the Floor Boards
I'll do a scene from that, uh, right now
No no no
Watch and then judge
This is a scene from Under the Floor Boards
"Hey, shh"

And then '99
'99, I did a show called The Catholic Orgasm, I'll do a scene from that
(Moaning)
(Sobbing)

2000, I did a piece called The Inappropriate Musician, I'll do a scene from that
"Mike
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike, th-
Mike, think about your kids, do you want them to grow up without a father, is that what you want, Mike?! Mi-
Please listen to me, I'm your friend
No, Mike, don't jump!
No, Mike, no!
(Slide whistle down)
(Slide whistle up)
"He's saved"

2001, I did John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath
Except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexual predator called The Rapes of Grath

2002, I did a piece, if you're familiar with The Elephant Man
I did a piece based off that called Bulldog Man (Voice cracks when he says "man")
Oh, also known as Bulldog Man (Says "man" properly) for those who hit puberty
And I uh
I'll do a monologue from that right now
(Silence)
(Laughter)
For those listening on the CD, I kind of look like a bulldog

2003, 4? 3. Doesn't matter, I'm lying
2000-
2004, I did a piece called Sméagol, from Lord of the Rings, Having Sex with a Black Chick, I'll do that
(Moaning as Sméagol)
"Precious"
I actually got a Danza nomination for that, it was
Right after the Tony's

2000, uh, 5
2005, if I could get a blackout for this, I did a piece called Charlie Brown Getting Molested, so if we could blackout right now
"Hello?
Is anybody here?"
(Unintelligible trombone noises a la Peanuts cartoon)
"What the fuck are you doing?! Let go of me!"
(Unintelligible trombone noises)
"Good grief"

So, 2000, uh, bring the lights up
2007
2007, I did a piece called The Juggler's Wife, I'll do a scene from that
"Please
Stop JUGGLING!"

2008, I did a
Bit of a controversial piece because I played a slave in the 1780's, but I didn't wear make-up
'Cause I feel as, you know, an artist I'm qualified to tell any story, and uh
It was a piece called Whiplashes and this was the climactic scene
It is hard, raw art, so if you're adverse to that, you might want to look away
But this is, um, the climactic scene from Whiplashes and I hope you enjoy it
"You'll have to answer to God for this"
(Whip crack)
"Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
...You're a dick"

And then, uh, 2000-
...9, which is the last year before the piece I'm doing currently
I did a piece called, it's a very emotional piece, it means a lot to me so forgive me if I break down
But this is a, uh, a scene from it and the piece was called A Boy and His Dog
"Get out of here, alright?
Go, I can't afford to keep you anymore, I just
I can't, it's too
Please don't make this harder than it has to be, I
I hate you, is that what you need to hear from me?
Alright, I hate you
I hate you!
It's not just me
My dog hates Mexicans too"

Ironic Lyrics – Bo Burnham

(I believe in the Zodiac
Yeah, I do, I'm a Leo, I love Titanic
Uh, this is something a little bit mor-
Something a little bit morbidly ironic, my grandmother
Uh, she was a Cancer and
She was actually killed by a giant crab

This is a song about the idea of irony
So strap in!)

My dog's stomach was very upset
So I put him in the car and we went to the vet
And on our way to the vet
I killed a cat
Hey, I said isn't that ironic?

I adopted a child from overseas
To rescue him from child labor factories
And on his very first birthday, we went to Build-a-Bear workshop
Isn't that ironic?

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
A water park has burned to the ground, and a
A tow truck has broken down
I always used to cry when I laughed
And then I was raped by a clown
Isn't that ironic?

I was watching Al Gore on CNN
He was talking and talking and talking and then
Out of boredom, my pet polar bear shot himself
Isn't that ironic?

I dated an animal rights activist
And one day, she got really pissed
Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in "pita" bread
("PETA"? Fuck it)

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch
And I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncle's "pull-out" couch
Isn't that ironic? I-R-O-N-I-C
Yeah, if everyday you play the board game Risk
You've probably never taken a Risk in your life
And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold on the board game market
A little kid died from suffocation when he choked on a game piece from Operation
And I can't grow a beard
That one's not ironic, that one's just sad

Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant

My grandfather had Alzheimer's
And one day we were

Binary Reality Lyrics – Bo Burnham

We live in a binary reality, we do
It's a world of black and white
There's only two types of people in this world:
Those who can finish lists

What is art? You know, what is art?
Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers? Could be
What is an artist?
What makes a great artist? You know, great artists like myself
Like the great director Michael Bay
Like the great Irish actor Shaquille O'Neal

We ask questions
You know, questions nobody else dares to ask
Questions like
Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?
Questions like if Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy, if they're all animals and they can talk
Why is Pluto just a fucking dog?
Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him or worse, is Mickey keeping him mentally handicapped to stay a pet?
I'm not, how does that fit in to that universe, that paradigm
Goofy's a dog, he's talking
This one, crawling around
Guys, you got tight, I would never bash Disney
Never
Ever
I think Disney teaches girls
Young girls such important lessons that princess fairy tales, you know like
Cinderella: It doesn't matter where you come from or how poor you are, you know, as long as you're incredibly hot
Snow White: Which encourages children to
You know, give midgets nicknames
Sleeping Beauty: You know, which encourages, um
Date rape, maybe not
Maybe not that one

I was doing a show recently on the border of, uh, Hannah Montana and South Dakota Fanning
And after the show
After the show, a guy came up to me
And said, "Bo, why don't you ever tell stories on-stage about people coming up to you after the shows?"
And I said, "'Cause they're never funny"

I've always wanted a black girlfriend
Not as, you know, 'cause like
I don't know, h-how, how do I put this?
When we 69, I can call it "yin yanging"
Um
It's not a, it's not racist
Guys, it's 21st century racism
It's racism in light of itself
The only reason I'm saying these things
Is because the stigmas about race are already there
And I'm just playing off of that
And they understand that
So if after the show
You see like a black guy beating me up
He's doing it ironically, okay?
Get your story straight

A Prayer / How Do We Fix Africa? Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Let us pray
Oh, uh, please
Don't feel like you can't participate if you're not Christian
'Cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so
Dear Jesus of Nazareth
First of all, I'd like to thank you for calling yourself Jesus of Nazareth, it's sort of like the Lord of the Rings or something
"I am Jesus of Nazareth, son of Orflec the butcher"
We know, Lord
From John 3:16, that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us, your only son
But at the same time, we're all your children, so in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls
So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism, Amen

People come to me all the time, all the time
They say the same thing, you know
"Bo, you're an artist, how do we fix Africa?"
I read recently that there are over 22 million people living with HIV/AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa
I know, it's a Snapple fact
How do we fix it? How do we fix it? This
Because laughter, laughter is the best medicine, you know, besides
Medicine

Haikus / Sonnet / Shakespeare Lyrics – Bo Burnham

We've been doing a lot of laughing
Which is good, uh, for a comedy show on a comedy CD, but what we haven't been doing is a lot of thinking
And I'd like to do that now, I've written some haikus
Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, three lines
Five, seven, five
And I find them to have a certain
Philosophical construct, there's a certain, uh
Soundness in their simplicity, a clearness in their cogency, if you will
So hopefully what we'll do right now is read these haikus, think for a bit
And then when we go back, uh, to the
You know, the jokes and the laughing
They'll have benefited, uh, from the time we took to think
So um, you guys just sit back and indulge me and just think for a bit and then we'll go back to the jokes
Uh, can I get some blue light to set the mood?
Perfect
For those of you listening on CD, the lights didn't change which made it funny

I saw a rainbow
On the day my grandma died
Fuckin' lesbian
(Ding)

For fifteen cents a
Day you can feed an African
They eat pennies
(Ding)

Old peoples' skin sags
Because it's being pulled toward
The underworld
(Ding)

Do unto others
As you would have them do to you
Said the rapist
(Ding)

My aunt used to say
Slow and steady wins the race
She died in a fire
(Ding)

Even if he is
Your friend, never, ever call
An Asian person
(Ding)

And finally

Bono, if you want
To help poor people, sell your
Tinted shades, you cunt
(Ding)

Thank you, this next piece is called "Sonnet 155", or "If Shakespeare Had Written a Porn", and it goes like this
I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs
As I removed my source of Grecian power
As if King Midas dared to touch the skies
Upon thy body fell a golden shower

Thy body's temples, two church bells had rung
Upon thy chest, a row of pearls bestowed
The sun had set, thy set with wary hung
I thought, "How black a night and blue a lode"

I said, "What light through yonder beaver breaks?
It is the yeast"

And now my belly's yellow
My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes
But 'tis not massive, I am no Othello

And when that final moment came to pass
Like Christ I came-a riding on an ass
Thank you very much

William Shakespeare, uh
William Shakespeare was a verbal cun-tortionist
He could bend his words in the way a contortionist bends his frame without hope that he could with a name like William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare, some, some of you seem lost, look
Say your name was Robert Frost and you couldn't write, that would suck
Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby Frost and own an ice cream truck
He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, six at a time and rhyme into the very last line of a soliloquy which finally said outright with a previous 77 rolling hinting at
He had puns and quips and tons of trips of sons with ships with nuns with hips and buns and lips, but I had something that Shakespeare never had
Penicillin
See, it hadn't been invented yet, back then they only had "quill"-icillin
Hey, it's not that hard, bard
I'm sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William
So if you could just listen up here and listen to this theater queer's theater query here and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life
Say Van Gogh, and
Lend me your ear
You're not a writer
You're a writer like fucking Hulk Hogan's a street fighter
You write these dramas
You accumulate your wealth
You hold nature as to a mirror of yourself
Just because you're messed up doesn't mean we are too
Just because you want to bang your mom doesn't mean Danish princes do, what
Who? Yeah, Hamlet, Shakespeare, that's right, the young prince whose father died at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied, sound familiar?
It's the fucking Lion King
You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche, what's next
The story of a French king on a quest to find his lost son, Nemo?
Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make

"To be, or not to be
That is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? To die
To sleep, no more, and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to
'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream, ay
There's the rub, for in that sleep of death what
Dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause"
Pft, like what?

This next song is about quantum mechanics
[Plays nonsense on the piano]
This next song

I was raised very well, like a field of corn
You know, I was also raised very Christian, like the Children of the Corn
And Christians get angry at me 'cause I say things like, "Why the long nose, Pope-nocchio?"
They'll think I'll go to Hell
The truth is, I've been to Christian Hell
And I actually wrote a song about it

Hitler was there
And so were all the Jews, yeah
So it got a little awkward

Rant Lyrics – Bo Burnham

All the seats at the sunday masses,
Filled with the mass's massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement -
"i think i can vaguely see what he meant."
It's too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father, reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
"when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery...
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves..."

In the back, i sit and i nod to the beats that are bumpin from my ipod
My god, they're starting to pray
And over the music i can hear them say
"dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I'd like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, i come to you with one request
There's so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so i'm sure your schedule's pretty tight
But my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first...

Debra messing's fingers in a holy place, "hail mary full of grace."

Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dude's who wanna elope
See the pope said, "nope" so the bros can't cope.
(the bros can grope but the bros can't cope)
They've been in love, they've been addicted
Who said they shouldn't? benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he's the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you've been a dick under benedict but
You can't have benedicts because there's only one pope and only one dick
What? a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it's
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it's raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn't the messiah, get back i'm a heretic and i'm on fire
It was oedipus, and those holy nights
The holy motherfucking christ.
I'm a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise aids
And blast FEMA
You're too late, we're fucked we don't need ya.

In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
HEY MACARENA

Theoretical Dick Jokes / Statistics Lyrics – Bo Burnham

I find numbers to be fascinating and more specifically than numbers I find statistics so...enlightening. You know, thought-provoking even. So I've gathered some here and these are all 100% true. When you leave this theatre and into the world you can check them and they will come back because they are true. So, I don't want to blow your mind or anything but maybe you'll hear one of these and go, "Whoa, I never thought of that!", you know? So, these are my statistics.

Approximately 33.33% of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes.

One in every four kids with the initials A.D.D. actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. has an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut the fuck up and take her husband's last name.

Here's a fun one. One of every fourty-four U.S. presidents can dunk. It's fucking Millard Filmoore, you racists.

The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes.

Can't get angry at the numbers, you know what I mean?

Here's a really interesting one. The average person has one fallopian tube.

20% of the Jackson Five...too soon...

The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches.

Art Is Dead Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Art is dead.
Art is dead.
Art is dead.
Art is dead.

Entertainers like to seem complicated
But we're not complicated
I can explain it pretty easily

Have you ever been to a birthday
Party for children?
And one of the children
Won't stop screaming
'Cause he's just a little
Attention attractor

When he grows up
To be a comic or actor
He'll be rewarded
For never maturing
For never under-
Standing or learning

That every day
Can't be about him
There's other people
You selfish ass hole

I must be psychotic
I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy
Of all this attention

Of all of this money, you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug’s attention, I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It’s all an illusion, I’m wearing make-up, I’m wearing make-up
Make-up, make-up, make-up, make...

Art is dead
So people think you're funny, how do you get those peoples money
Said art is dead
We're rolling in dough, while Carlin rolls in his grave
His grave, his grave

The show has got a budget
The show has got a budget
And all the poor people way more deserving, of the money
Won't budge it

'Cause I wanted my name in lights
When i could have feed a family of four
For forty fucking fortnights
Forty fucking fortnights

I am an artist, please god forgive me
I am an artist, please don't revere me
I am an artist, please don't respect me
I am an artist, you're free to correct me

A self-centered artist
Self-obsesed artist
I am an artist
I am an artist

But I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
Kid
And maybe I'll grow out of it

Traditional Stand-Up Lyrics – Bo Burnham

We got a little serious there.
I think "fisting" should be called "upper-cunting",
And we're back.

Do you guys like impressions?
(Yeah.)
"Why?" That was Socrates.

Older traditional stand-up comics sometimes have problems with me
Because they think I use music and other stuff
And they think I'm a gimmick, I'm a hack, you know, I'm a gimmick comic
And they're such comedy purists, they don't think my comedy can stand on it's own.
But the truth is, I'm a comedy purist, too.
So I can do comedy without gimmicks.
I'll show you that right now.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye-patch?
Names!
For those listening on the CD, I just gave birth to a dove.

I love traditional stand-up comedy, don't get me wrong.
I love it. I'm a huge fan of traditional stand-up comics.
A lot of them are my heroes.
And I want to be a traditional stand-up comic
And I've been working on some traditional stand-up material and
It's in its infancy so, please, bare with me, go easy
But this is a bit of my traditional stand-up.

My wife, right.
We never have sex. Like, ever. Which is really funny.
Something else, I never know what she's saying.
She'll say something and I'll be like, "pft."
You know, she's constantly emasculating me
And I'm making her resent herself for getting older,
So we're looking into a divorce.
And, you know, something else that's really funny:
She can't drive. The only thing she can drive is
"Drive me crazy," and when she back talks, I hit her.

"Bo Burnham" (2009)

I'm Bo Yo Lyrics – Bo Burnham

I don't know if all Boy Scouts are gays
They could probably tie the knot in, like, fifty different ways
I got a safe full o' cherries, 'cause I pop it and lock it,
A girl's like a fridge, once a week, you should stock it.

Girl, if you're into rimmin', it's only safe if you're swimmin',
But, girl, don't sit on that couch 'cause I treat my objects like women.
I spit fire like I just blew a demon,
My shit's so hot, I'll leave your toilet bowl steamin'.

I'm gonna tear it [tarot], like the cards of the gypsies,
You'll bleed for so long you'll get monthly ellipses.
If your pants are loose, I'll replete ya.
You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meet [meat] ya.

I'm Bo, yo,
And I'm the greatest rapper ever,
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not,
Think you're better, you're not,
Don't need a sweater, I'm hot,
I'm a real G-shawty that can really find your G-spot.
Woah, yeah...
...Hey, what the fuck's a G-spot?

Go to a vagina orchard, count one, two, three.
Spin that plant around you got a third-world country [cunt-tree].
That's right, consider yourself warned,
I'm offensive and creative like handicapped porn.

You're playing with your breasts, excuse me, can I try it ma'am?
You're pushin' 'em together like a titty venn diagram.
Look at that crack, excuse me can I buy a gram?
Right below your diaphragm,
Ass looks like you're hidin' ham.

First base, we're making out.
Second base, I'm getting faked out.
Said, third base, I'm getting take out.
And I'd try to take it home if I knew I'd take it out,

But I just don't know, I said I just don't care,
I said my flow's so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear.
And you can spell and smell my stink,
B.O. lingers and it makes you think.

'Cause I'm Bo, yo
And I'm the greatest rapper ever,
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not,
Think you're better, you're not,
Don't need a sweater I'm hot,
I'm a real G-shawty that can really find your G-spot.
Woah, yeah...
...provided that you point me in the general direction.

'Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin' Bo nuts,
I can make 'em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze.
I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter whenever I meet her,
Because I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise.
(Oh, Nickelodeon and cum, what?)

I'm blowin' up like I thought I would,
I'm circumcised 'cause i don't cum from the hood.
My girl is epileptic cause she's the one I'm jerkin with,
Come on, you Asian child-laborer, show me what you're workin' with.
Ooh, large machinery.

'Cause there's an inverse relationship between respect and sects
I'm talking 'bout religious sects like a Mormon sect,
That says you can't have sex with members of different sects, but you can't have sex with members of the same sex,
So if the sects can't be different and the sex can't be same, then the only sex left is some left-hand shame.
And girl I left you cause you left the game and if that don't feel right, then you can write my name.

'Cause I'm Bo, yo,
And I'm the greatest rapper ever,
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not,
Think you're better, you're not,
Don't need a sweater, I'm hot,
I'm a real G that can really find your G-spot.
Woah, yeah...oh, but I'm inadequate.
Have I gotten that point across yet? How original

Yo, my junk's so long that it hangs and swings,
So at the nude beach people think I'm lookin for lost rings.
Play the skin flute, your big boy sings,
And if you want to take it all, wear African neck-rings.
(They make your neck longer 'cause my... fuck it)

Haters call me gay, but that ain't hatin'.
'Cause im not homophobic, my morals are straight,
And if I'm in the closet, then you are below me,
Taking the B-A-T out of basement, homey

'Cause I'm Bo, yo,
And I'm the greatest rapper ever,
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not,
Think you're better, you're not,
Don't need a sweater,
I'm a real G that can really find your what now.
Oh, yeah... well I'm Bo, yo, what, I'm representin' you, I'm representin' the people from the 01982, yo.
Oh, yeah, what, yo motherfucker, tingle, yeah.

My Whole Family... lyrics - bo burnham

(Uh, thanks. Umm...welcome to my show; it's called, "If You Sing Along I'll Fucking Kill You." Uh, this is a song.)

Everytime I go to dinner
it seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
I can talk; they're not able
When I look at them I find
there's a single question on their mind.
I wish it could go back to the way it was
its not easy now because...

My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way.
Maybe its cause of the way that I walk,
that makes them think that I like...boys
That I like boys

The goddamn question just wont go away
and I get asked every single day
but the way they ask it is not a disguise,
like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?" (That's...funny)
This is the worst, baby this was my fear
Now their opinions are crystal clear, because

My whole family now is shocked,
I'm in the closet and the door is locked.
Now my glory days are gone,
I was John Elway now I'm Elton John.

My whole family now suspects,
Watching Spongebob had side-effects.
I'm not gay and that's what I said,
If I'm gay, hey God strike me dead.

Just cause I'm afraid of the snow,
Or my favorite color is, the rainbow.
I don't mean to yell but i fear i must,
Cause I'm losing the people that i thought i could trust.

Because, even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay...motherfucker

You all probably think I'm gay,
Man this song is counterproductive ...
la la la la la…

Because my whole family thinks I'm gay,
What did they know anyway?
You gotta look right through the haze,
Easy-Bake oven was just a phase.

My whole family thinks I'm queer,
That is all I ever hear,
But I've been as straight as a ramp,
If you dont count Bible camp.

Bo Fo Sho Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Yo, walkin' my poodles, man, it never gets old.
With my dogs on my leash, I got bitches on the hold,
A first-AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey.
I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie.
Get more ass than a giant donkey stable,
Got more lines than Whitney Houston's coffee table.
I get more head than grammar-school lice.
I'm like a walkin' glacier, I'm so decked out with ice.

Did you poop a virgin? 'Cause that shit is tight.
Jack ain't black, and Barry ain't white.
I do drugs in the bedroom, lie on your back
Cause I got the pipe and you got the crack.
Though I'm sexually straight, you're bound to find,
I'm mentally gay, cause I'll blow your mind.
The parents be snickerin', "He shouldn't have written it,"
But I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

Yo, my name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the wordsmith-sonian
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.

And the fellas say, hey, moron, pass the gin
'Cause I'm an OXYmoron breathing OXYgen.
Give me the bottle, I'll chug two-thirds,
'Cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words

Hey, look at that, okay
And the ladies say,
Hey fellas, I'm keepin' it tight, and if you play your cards right, you can have me tonight.
Should I blow you or beat you, brass or percussion?
Oh, stop, period, end of discussion.

My name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the wordsmith-sonian.
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.

Walking through the garden with food at my feet,
Picked up the celery, but dropped the beet (beat).

Oh, and then I picked it up.
Let's end this thing right.

Yo, we're in the hood, I'll take what you give me.
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.
A smart queen's kingdom (dumb), it doesn't mix.
A litter of literates, a bunch of Moby Dicks.
"Get thee to a punnery," o-just to-pheelia
Take you with a condom, "stainless-steal" ya.
Half a pound of turkey breast, half a pound of chicken tits,
Why are only crackers staying at the Ritz?
Poverty, racism, isn't it strange,
Only the homeless are beggin' for change?
I shocked Sherlock
What, son? (Watson)
Rosa Parks didn't call "shotgun"!
Well, here's a bit of irony
A Ford Focus driver's got ADD.
How'd I come to master all these things?
Like a tampon thief, I had to pull some strings.

Love Is... Lyrics – Bo Burnham

ooh ... what is this thing?
Just a reminder Bo, your EP is available now on iTunes.
Go and buy it, it is really good.
Ooh, hi, I didn't even see you there. I was just looking my notes over and ... ok
You wanna hear a song?

I love you like kings love queens,
like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans (genes)
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought,
like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out.
And I want you ... yeah, like a lawyer slash mathematician wants some kind of proof.
And I want you like J.F.K. wanted .... a car with a roof.

Because love is, takin' that dive and gettin' really comfortable and peein' in the pool.
And love is, a real life porn ... minus all the stuff that makes porn cool.
And love is, a homeless guy ... searchin' for treasure in the middle of the rain and finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and even though he's heartbroken he can't complain cuz he was hungry in the first place.

Because I love you like Dora loves maps,
like the Pope's toilet loves ... holy craps.
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch,
like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Neverland ranch.
And I want you like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform.
And I want you like Anne Frank wanted ... nobody to read her diary.
Cuz, like a diary is a collection of secret things that no one else reads, that's the whole point of a diary. Millions of people have breached this little girl's privacy after she was chased by Nazis, kick her while she's down.

And if we met in 10,000 B.C., I was your cave man you's my cave lady ...

If we god hot, we'd start rubbin',
if we got hungry, we'd go clubbin'.
There's woolly mammoths but I won't protect us,
you're makin' me devolve to a homo erectus.

And if we met in 1780, I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark skinned servant lady ... slave

Whenever I could get away from the Mrs.,
I'd go to your shed and then I'd steal you kisses.
But let's be serious, I'd still work you full time as a slave, there's a difference between romantic language and a complete disregard for socioeconomic trends.

And if we met in 1941, I was a Nazi, you's a gypsy on the run (that's a little redundant)

That probably wouldn't have worked out ... yeah

Because, love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch and dinner.
And love is the holocaust, if you don't die quick and you don't get thinner.
And love is, bein' the owner of a company that makes rape whistles and even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape, now you don't wanna reduce it at all cuz if the rape rate declines you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales.
Without rapists, who's gonna buy your whistles?
Who's gonna buy your whistles?
Love is all about whistles.

That was for a girl by the way.

The Perfect Woman Lyrics – Bo Burnham

(So I've done a lot of comedy, so let's, uh, take a little break from that...and this is just a song that, if you'll just indulge me it's, uh yeah)

She was the perfect woman, in every single way,
She made the sun shine brighter, and all my cares go away.
She was the perfect woman, she was a gourmet chef,
They say that love is blind, well it's also deaf.

Cause Helen Keller was the perfect woman, and no one understands,
just how talented she was with her hands...UGH.
God made her the perfect woman, I was the finishing touch.
She was the perfect woman cause she didn't talk so much.

She wanted to name the kids, so I finally let her,
it turned out horribly; Chewbacca could've done better.. RAAAAAA
But a guess it was alright, we had a boy and a girl.
Just me and Helen, ehhh-haaa, and Earl!

Cause Helen Keller was my miracle worker, I was her one-man-show,
I could walk around the house naked, and she wouldn't even know.
Helen Keller was my perfect woman, i was her only need
She didn't mind the zits on my ass, it gave her more to read

It gave her more to read, it gave her more to read
It gave her more to read, it gave her more to read
More to read, It gave her more to read, more to read

Helen Keller was my perfect woman, but I don't think she cared.
I played this song for her, she just sat there and stared.
She was still my perfect woman, I was sort of a mess,
I asked her to marry me, she said, "UH-EE-OHHH!"

High School Party Girl Lyrics – Bo Burnham

High school party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer
I like soda, where's the soda? Am I the only fucking person here that likes soda?

I see her from across the crowd
I said the party is bumpin' and the music is loud
You're really drunk and you're lookin' sad... It's like a date rape ad

Girl, then we start to dance and
Girl, baby this is romance
Girl, I'm startin' to grow down below
Shit, why did I wear sweat pants?

Girl, you're body's like what conjunction junction
That's a fine ass, butt (but)
I'm like a cashew in a lollipop
Just keep suckin' till you get to the nut

And I said let's rob an Asian kitchen
Or stroll down the block
Either way girl, we're takin' a wok (..Nothing?)
You're gonna love me the way my uncle did
Except you're not gonna go to court for doin' it
Be a guillotine or my girl instead
Either way you're givin' me head

I'm gonna love you, baby the right way
Shorty with a body lookin' hotty when I say girl
When I say girl

We go into the bedroom exchanging nervous laughter
Why's it called dry humping, if I always need a towel after?
You spread your naked legs and I see that wound that never healed
Even though you're yellin' for me, I can tell your lips are sealed
We're both aware of my erection, you ask if I have protection

I say:
"Well no, I tried to buy them once
I was in the convenience store
My old babysitter walked in
I had to hide them near the Tic-Tac's
I was so embarrassed, I peed myself a little bit"

Girl, girl

Insert a euphemism
A sexy mental prism
Increase my pelvic rhythm
Fill you with my syllogism
I know your body and I know how to please you
Don't thank me, thank Wikipedia

Guys don't go down, well I am-
What the fuck is that? I should have brought my diagram
Ooh... Did you feel that? That was an educated guess
Ooh... Did you feel that? Uh, that one was a sneeze, my bad

High school party, senior year
None of that happened 'cause I wasn't invited..

Klan Kookout Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Grab a seat
Have something to eat
Help yourself, it's all right
If you want a beer, they're over here
But we only got Coors light
Try a chip with my homemade dip
The stuff is outa sight
Right before bed, we'll shave your head
It's a good thing you're dressed in white

Cos it's a Klan Kookout
Cos it's a Klan Kookout

Here's my wife, slash sister
She brightens up my day
She went away and I missed her,
Cos my Mum's a lousy lay
Don't hang with foreign fellows,
It'll only be your loss
Stay here and roast marshmallows
Beside the burning cross

At the Klan Kookout
Just the black people
Klan Kookout
Dad's on lookout
At the Klan Kookout

And if you're black
Don't want to see your face
They're like a high school track
Just a stupid race
We got a plan
Kill all the Jews
Are you a Mexi-can
Because you seem confused
(Señor, KKK?)

It's a Klan Kookout
It's a Klan Kookout
Mein Kampf?
Check that book out
At the Klan Kookout

All men are created equal,
Man that shit gets me pissed
Here's an idea for a sequel
Someone loses Schindler's List
I cook, I clean
Cos I'm the hooded host
And on Halloween,
I dress as a ... slave owner

We hate Hispanics
Hence the 20-foot walls
And all you God-damn dirty Catholics
Can Catho-lick my balls
Ethnics give off weird aromas,
And I can't understand
Why we need High School Diplomas
With a Bible in hand

At the Klan Kookout.
I have black friends.
I was just kidding. I don't have black friends.

New Math Lyrics – Bo Burnham

It's New Math
What's a pirate minus the ship?
Just a creative homeless guy.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant
An ironic way to die.
And what's domain domain range
A kid with too much in his pants
And two balls, minus one
Seven titles at the Tour de France

Get's worse...
Yo, split a decision with long division
Take the circumference of your circumcision.
Live like your data, when you're all set,
Put it all together, and whatever you get

It's New Math
It's New Math

And what's a bag of chips divided by five?
Well that's a Nike worker's meal.
And Santa Claus muliplied by i
Well I guess that makes him real.
And the square root of the NBA
Is Africa in a box.
How do you trace a scatter plot?
You give the pencil to Michael J. Fox.

Whatever
Take the approximate moral proportion
of the probable problem of a pro-life abortion
Live like your data, when you're all set,
Put it all together, and whatever you get
It's New, It's New, It's New, It's New, It's New Math

And if you took a factor tree
of the factors that caused my girl to leave me
You'd have a tree
Full of Asian porn.
CAL See you later
Mathematical minds make industrial smog
What's the opposite of LNX
Duraflame the unnatural law

Support the farmers with a pro-tractor
Link Kennedy and Lincoln with a common factor
Live like your data, and when you're all set
Put it all together and whatever you get
It's New, It's New,It's New,

All right, word problems, ready?
If there's a fat guy in a pastry shop
With a $20 bill and he's ready to buy
In order to predict his volume change
You'll need to know the value of pi

And there's a metal train that's a mile long
And at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her
How long til it reaches and kills the driver
Provided that he is a good conductor

And if 10% of men are gay
20% of men are Chinese
What are the odds that a man chosen at random on the
Spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees?

And if Kim is half as old as Bobby
Who is two years older than 12 year old Tori
For how many more 30 day months
Will their threesomes be considered statutory rape?
Cos math can be sexy

Cos having sex is like quadratic expansion,
if it can't be split then it's time to stop
And having sex is like doing fractions
It's improper for the larger one to be on top

Having sex is like doing maths homework
I do it best when I'm alone in my bed
And squaring numbers are just like women
If they're under 13 just do them in your head.

It's New Math

A Love Ballad Lyrics – Bo Burnham

She got me with her look
She got me with her stare
Bright blue eyes and her long blond hair
From the start it was easy to see
This was the girl for me
Who cares if she was 83?

She could make me silent, she could make me shout
And she drove me wild with those dentures out
When we ate people said we were rude
Because I had pre-chew her food

Her skin was saggy, so was the rest.
I put my hand up her skirt and I felt her breast.
We made love, and the more I thrust
The more the room was covered in dust
Room was covered in dust

Then one day I felt a chill
As I woke up from my bed
She was lying real still
My little lady was already dead

The wake happened on a Saturday night
I just sat there and bowed my head.
A little girl was on my right
Crying because her Grandma was dead
And that little girl she got me with her looks
Got me with her tears
Feminine beauty beyond her years.
From the start it was easy to see
That was the girl for me
Who cares if she was only three?

Rehab Centre For Fictional Characters Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Ah, well, hello, everyone. Uhm, welcome to the Rehab Center for Fictional Characters. Uhm, alright, let's just get right to it. Who wants to start us off, how 'bout you Kris?

Uhm, alright. Hey, I'm, uh, Kris Kringle, I'm a sex addict.

Hey, I'm Santa Claus,
I'm the king of snow,
I hate my wife because,
She's a ho, ho, ho.
She used to please me everyday,
Then she made it clear,
That Santa's only s'pose to come once a year.
(Fucking bitch.)

Now I buy whores,
Rock 'n' roll,
And I stuff their stockings,
With my north pole.

Okay, Kris. Thank you. Alright, who's up next? Patrick, frowny face, get up here.

Alright, I'm, uh, Patrick O'Riley, I'm a leprechaun, are you all doing good? Yeah, I'm not doing so good.

I had a wonderful life,
With a healthy household,
And a beautiful wife,
And a pot full of gold. (Ha!)

Then my wife spent my riches all by herself,
And since women are bitches, blew a Keebler elf. (Hm!)

Now I drink all day,
And a part of me dies,
Cause my wife's gettin gangbanged,
By the Rice Krispie guys.

"Hey, I know them."
Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up. Where were you last week?
Yeah, I had some stuff... I had to work out some stuff. I'm, uh, hey, I'm Tony the Tiger, uh, fuck it, I'll just sing.

Everyday I wake up, I get to work late,
My boss says, "hey, what's up?"
I say I'm grrrrrowing tired of this shit.
The kids they laugh cause I'm a sensitive cat,
"Big pussy!" I can't argue with that.
If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes,
I swear on my life, I'll eat his- parents.

Ok, Tone, thank you. Uhm, so that's everybody. So let's just get down to it. Uhm, oh, who are you?

Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah.

I'm the Easter bunny, hey, I'm back,
Used to be funny, now I'm hooked on crack.
Heaps of heroin ain't no joke,
Marshmallow peeps covered in coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke, coooooke.
Ahh, coke!

Drugs for life, that's my plan,
But now I have no attention spa-eeee...

Ok, I'm gonna go get him, alright? You guys just please, play nice, alright? I'll be back in a second, ok?

Santa: "Hey, Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick. I think they got herpes from some Irish chick."
Patrick: "Motherfucker. What are you laughing at Tony?"
Tony: "I don't know it's, uh, it's funny, uhm."
Patrick: "This is getting ridiculous. Santa, Tony, could you guys please stop?"
Tony: "Oh, Snap... Crackle and Pop. [*chuckle*], 'cause they banged your wife."

Patrick: "I'm getting out of here, this is fucking ridiculous."

Welcome To YouTube Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Before YouTube I walked through life,
And now I frolic.
YouTube's been like a father to me,
Except YouTube's not an alcoholic.

Before YouTube, I was just a skinny white kid,
That thought he was funnier and cooler then he actually was.
And now... well, not much has changed but I have a shit-load of money.

Cause YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas.
If by 'people' you mean 13 year old girls,
And by 'ideas' you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers,
I'm just kidding, but let's be honest that's a hefty majority.
And if you don't believe me, well, then you must be a noob.
So welcome to YouTube.

And you don't know what your missing, a-just try searching women kissing,
It's YouTube, it's just what this country's been needing,
A generation of kids who don't waste their time reading.
Am I the only one who thinks that Lisa Nova's hot,
And Chris Crocker's not. No...
He's hotter.

Most of the best YouTubers are either Asian or they're gay,
So there's an untapped YouTube celebrity and his name is George Takei.
And your favorite coat's got a doodoo stain,
I pray to God that that's chocolate rain.
And I find videos of babies laughing a bit intrusive.

Because Barack Obama won the election because of YouTube.
Wait, did I say YouTube, I meant the black vote.
And I think YouTube and Fred are so cool [in Fred's voice].
And what the buck will be back in a Jiffy Lube,
So welcome to YouTube,
Welcome to YouTube,
Hey, welcome to YouTube.

I said-a listen and linger,
Charlie the Unicorn bit my finger.
It's YouTube, the impact is evident,
Miss Teen South Carolina just ran for Vice President.
Upload a video, you got nothing to lose,
Except all of your friends.

And the approval of your parents.

Hi, my name is Mary, and I'm 19 years old and I got drunk at a party and I think someone was videotaping it,
But I don't want anyone to see it 'cause I showed half of my boob,
(Sorry, Mary!)

Welcome to YouTube.
Say hello to YouTube,
And say goodbye to your college scholarship.
And if your video doesn't appeal to me,
You gotta change the key-word,

Welcome to YouTube,
I said welcome to YouTube.
And it'll keep on going and it'll never stop.
No, until its privatized.

Little Adolf Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Here he is, our little bundle of joy,
We did it honey, it's a baby boy.
We'll love him and raise him, 'til he finally leaves us,
What should we name him? How about Adolf?
Little Adolf.

He's growing up, like little boys do,
He's grown a mustache and he's only two.
He's a pyrotechnic and he loves to play with knives,
And our little buddy gives the weirdest high fives.

Little Adolf, Little Adolf,
Little Adolf, Little Adolf,
He's a dictator tot,
Dictator-tot.

He gets a little bit angry, but he's smart as hell,
And who taught him how to speak German so well?
He doesn't like milk, soda hurts his head,
I tried to give him juice, this is what he said:

"I hate juice, okay?"
"Ok, Hitler, please, drink your juice. I'm tired, I want to go to bed."
"Just, you know what? Get the juice out of here, out of this house, out of this country, now."
"Hitler, get the j... what do you want me to do with...?"
"Put the juice in camps and separate them."
"Separate juice? Hitler, what you want me to do, separate them by flavor? By like, concentration?"
"Concentration... eh?"

Little Adolf, he's a dictator-tot.

EP: "Bo Fo Sho" (2008)

Bo Fo Sho Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Yo, walkin' my poodles, man, it never gets old.
With my dogs on my leash, I got bitches on the hold,
A first-AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey.
I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie.
Get more ass than a giant donkey stable,
Got more lines than Whitney Houston's coffee table.
I get more head than grammar-school lice.
I'm like a walkin' glacier, I'm so decked out with ice.

Did you poop a virgin? 'Cause that shit is tight.
Jack ain't black, and Barry ain't white.
I do drugs in the bedroom, lie on your back
Cause I got the pipe and you got the crack.
Though I'm sexually straight, you're bound to find,
I'm mentally gay, cause I'll blow your mind.
The parents be snickerin', "He shouldn't have written it,"
But I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

Yo, my name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the wordsmith-sonian
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.

And the fellas say, hey, moron, pass the gin
'Cause I'm an OXYmoron breathing OXYgen.
Give me the bottle, I'll chug two-thirds,
'Cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words

Hey, look at that, okay
And the ladies say,
Hey fellas, I'm keepin' it tight, and if you play your cards right, you can have me tonight.
Should I blow you or beat you, brass or percussion?
Oh, stop, period, end of discussion.

My name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the wordsmith-sonian.
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.

Walking through the garden with food at my feet,
Picked up the celery, but dropped the beet (beat).

Oh, and then I picked it up.
Let's end this thing right.

Yo, we're in the hood, I'll take what you give me.
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.
A smart queen's kingdom (dumb), it doesn't mix.
A litter of literates, a bunch of Moby Dicks.
"Get thee to a punnery," o-just to-pheelia
Take you with a condom, "stainless-steal" ya.
Half a pound of turkey breast, half a pound of chicken tits,
Why are only crackers staying at the Ritz?
Poverty, racism, isn't it strange,
Only the homeless are beggin' for change?
I shocked Sherlock
What, son? (Watson)
Rosa Parks didn't call "shotgun"!
Well, here's a bit of irony
A Ford Focus driver's got ADD.
How'd I come to master all these things?
Like a tampon thief, I had to pull some strings.

H-O-A-R Lyrics – Bo Burnham

well i'm the girl for every high school guy
yeah, i got everything
a little shirt and a skirt so high
every month you can spot a cotton tampon string

i'll drop my books and then i'll bend
and then i'll bend a little more
everybody thinks ashley's my best friend
well that bitch is a whore

with a capital H-O-A-R
ignorance is bliss
who needs feminism, with an ass like this?
and a capital H-O-A-R
you guys liking what you see?
'cause if beauty's on the inside
you might as well go inside me

well i'm the guy for that high school girl
yeah, partyin' is my life
in a few hours i'll be hittin' the gym
and in a few years i'll be hittin' my wife

"ya know, i like to hang loose"
"no way, so does my crotch"
"well i hope you brought your man juice, 'cause i bought scotch"

with a capital one no hassle card
stolen from my dad
dignity's overrated
self respect's a fad

well i'm like a game of baseball
'cause there's something you might catch
well, and if you put out
i'd say that we're a perfect
i'd say that we're a perfect
i guess that we're a perfect match
a perfect match
a perfect match

High School Party Girl Lyrics – Bo Burnham

High school party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer
I like soda, where's the soda? Am I the only fucking person here that likes soda?

I see her from across the crowd
I said the party is bumpin' and the music is loud
You're really drunk and you're lookin' sad... It's like a date rape ad

Girl, then we start to dance and
Girl, baby this is romance
Girl, I'm startin' to grow down below
Shit, why did I wear sweat pants?

Girl, you're body's like what conjunction junction
That's a fine ass, butt (but)
I'm like a cashew in a lollipop
Just keep suckin' till you get to the nut

And I said let's rob an Asian kitchen
Or stroll down the block
Either way girl, we're takin' a wok (..Nothing?)
You're gonna love me the way my uncle did
Except you're not gonna go to court for doin' it
Be a guillotine or my girl instead
Either way you're givin' me head

I'm gonna love you, baby the right way
Shorty with a body lookin' hotty when I say girl
When I say girl

We go into the bedroom exchanging nervous laughter
Why's it called dry humping, if I always need a towel after?
You spread your naked legs and I see that wound that never healed
Even though you're yellin' for me, I can tell your lips are sealed
We're both aware of my erection, you ask if I have protection

I say:
"Well no, I tried to buy them once
I was in the convenience store
My old babysitter walked in
I had to hide them near the Tic-Tac's
I was so embarrassed, I peed myself a little bit"

Girl, girl

Insert a euphemism
A sexy mental prism
Increase my pelvic rhythm
Fill you with my syllogism
I know your body and I know how to please you
Don't thank me, thank Wikipedia

Guys don't go down, well I am-
What the fuck is that? I should have brought my diagram
Ooh... Did you feel that? That was an educated guess
Ooh... Did you feel that? Uh, that one was a sneeze, my bad

High school party, senior year
None of that happened 'cause I wasn't invited..

3.14 Apple Pi Lyrics – Bo Burnham

Let's do it
Yo, yo, yo, what's up
Word to my n-words

Don't got bros, don't hang on the streets
I don't beat my hos, I only beat my meat, yeah
Don't womanize cause you know it's true
that when you look in their eyes you see they're people too
Mother effin' suffrage!
I said mother effin' suffrage!

You know I'm a gangsta, you know I do Coke,
but I had to go to diet, cause it burnt my throat.
I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life,
except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike, yeah
I said the car is my bike.

yo yo
3.14 apple pi,
I say I whip it out, I clean it off, I stick it in her eye,
and by "it" I mean contact lens.
It must have got dirty.

yo yo yo
3.14 apple pi,
I got rhymes and flows that make Hitler cry.
George Bush won't, he'll just yell and rant
but he's a presiDONT who ameriCANT.

Oh my lord, the kid is on, he is clever, c'mon give it to him.

I spit gangsta hymns, cause I'm a gangsta straight,
I think of 20 inch rims when I masturbate.
We're gonna be late, there's no time to waste,
cause the girls that I date, have a particular taste.
The taste of my weiner!
The taste of my weiner..

Yo
3.14 apple pi
Why was I born white no one quite knows why,
Gansgstas sell their rocks, I got a collection.
You couldn't get a rise out of a yeast infection.
Ooh, what does that mean? Yeast rises

Yo
I'm a lyrical heretic, but I'll make you laugh
I'll hit you with rhetoric, then I'll cut you in half.
I don't need to be a clown, I don't need to be nice,
How bout you sit down and I serve you a slice...

of my 3.14 apple pi
My voice is so smoky it'll make you high...
Yo, here's a confession, it's all about me,
Here's my impression of a broken jet ski..

Pu da da da da da da ...
Fill me with gas.
I'm a jet ski.

Here come the puns
Here come the puns
Here come the puns
Here come the puns

All you little thugs wanna mess me with me,
know that I've been doin' drugs since the age of 3.
I took my cereal, stabbed it open with a knife.
Snorted that shit and I got high on Life.
Yo A guy asked me for change, saying my mind was too dense.
I said you won't make cents if you don't make sense. Oh, look at that.
Big finale, let's hit it...

You know I flow it and show it, you know that Bo know it,
Yo, your lawn I'll mow it and grow it cause he's a sho' poet.
Yo my rims be spinning I winning, like Adam I be sinnin'.
Potato skinnnin' and knittin' and separate those linens.
And in my eyes you see flies, and though you people tries
Just to disguise all your lies, but baby I be wise.
you know I did it and shit it you brothers couldn't hit it,
Then you try to rid it, too late! I already spit it.
Patooey

I already spit it.

I said apple pi.

Sunday School Lyrics – Bo Burnham

alright kids, welcome to your first sunday school class
let's get right into it

did you know that jesus died on the cross
just to keep you from masturbating
and did you know that prior to 1960
he frowned on interracial dating

well my name is bobby johnson
and i teach about god's loving wrath
and though i try to live by the bible and what it says
i think i might have stumbled from the path

because i'm gay for jesus
creator of all good
a charitable carpenter
that's why hes givin me wood

i'm gay for jesus
let the people rejoice
but it's not about lust, i don't wanna nail him
that was a poor word choice

did you know satan wears a cape
made out of a rainbow flag
and did you know that jesus hates abortions
unless the kid was a f... jew

well i try to live by the bible
but it tells me that my thoughts aren't right
but those particular pages might be stuck together
from the little bit of sinning i did last night

because they told me to love jesus
i chose an alternative route
well i was so sad when he was in that cave
but i was thrilled when he came out

well i'm gay for jesus
fill me with your grace
i said pour your love all over me
but please aim away from my face

My Whole Family... lyrics - bo burnham

(Uh, thanks. Umm...welcome to my show; it's called, "If You Sing Along I'll Fucking Kill You." Uh, this is a song.)

Everytime I go to dinner
it seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
I can talk; they're not able
When I look at them I find
there's a single question on their mind.
I wish it could go back to the way it was
its not easy now because...

My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way.
Maybe its cause of the way that I walk,
that makes them think that I like...boys
That I like boys

The goddamn question just wont go away
and I get asked every single day
but the way they ask it is not a disguise,
like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?" (That's...funny)
This is the worst, baby this was my fear
Now their opinions are crystal clear, because

My whole family now is shocked,
I'm in the closet and the door is locked.
Now my glory days are gone,
I was John Elway now I'm Elton John.

My whole family now suspects,
Watching Spongebob had side-effects.
I'm not gay and that's what I said,
If I'm gay, hey God strike me dead.

Just cause I'm afraid of the snow,
Or my favorite color is, the rainbow.
I don't mean to yell but i fear i must,
Cause I'm losing the people that i thought i could trust.

Because, even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay...motherfucker

You all probably think I'm gay,
Man this song is counterproductive ...
la la la la la…

Because my whole family thinks I'm gay,
What did they know anyway?
You gotta look right through the haze,
Easy-Bake oven was just a phase.

My whole family thinks I'm queer,
That is all I ever hear,
But I've been as straight as a ramp,
If you dont count Bible camp.